


Hallelujah

by nisargasinha



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Description of child abuse, First War with Voldemort, M/M, READ THE TAGS CAREFULLY, Song Lyrics, Violence, Walburga is a bitch, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 17:34:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18899389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nisargasinha/pseuds/nisargasinha
Summary: Incidents of Sirius' life told through the lyrics of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah.





	Hallelujah

**_Well I've heard there was a secret chord_ **

**_That David played and it pleased the Lord_ **

 

Sirius storms off their dorm, hurling down the stairs to the Gryffindor Common Room, making some Third Years look up from their homeworks and look back at what they were doing. It's none of their business. After all, it's the famous and infamous Sirius Black. 

 

"Hey Padfoot!", Peter appears in the midway, managing two huge Transfiguration books on his hips, greeting Sirius. 

 

"Wormy, have you seen Remus?" 

 

"I saw him heading towards the Second Floor.." 

 

"Tell Prongs that I have taken the Map and the Cloak", Sirius impatiently waves his hand to a confused Peter, climbing down the portrait hole. 

 

\-------------

 

He walks under the Invisibility Cloak, taking out the Map, and finds Remus near the abandoned History of Magic classroom. Sirius stops for awhile, frowning. What's Remus doing here? 

 

"Hiya Moon.." 

 

Sirius freezes at the spot. 

 

_ Remus with a boy.  _

 

_ Remus snogging a boy.  _

 

_ Remus snogging a boy that ain't Sirius.  _

 

"Pads.." 

 

Sirius runs, runs, and runs, not looking behind, not knowing where he is going, like his feet are carrying him and he doesn't know anything anymore. 

 

It hurts, it fucking shatters everything he had, seeing Remus,  _ Remus,  _ his best friend for four years who he is in love with, with another boy who isn't him. 

 

_ But Remus doesn't know, does he? He doesn't owe him anything.  _

 

He locks himself in the dorm, storming past a very puzzled James and a group of Third Year Gryffindor at the Common room. 

 

"Padfoot?", James' voice cuts through the shattering sound of the empty goblet against their dormitory wall. 

 

"Leave me alone, James! I'll be  _ okay _ ."

 

_ "I am always okay, aren't I?", Sirius bitterly smiles, biting back the hollowness bubbling up inside his chest.  _

 

**_But you don't really care for music, do you?_ **

**_Well it goes like this:_ **

**_The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift_ **

**_The baffled king composing Hallelujah_ **

 

~~~~~~

 

**_She tied you to her kitchen chair_ **

**_And she broke your throne and she cut your hair_ **

**_And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah_ **

  
  


"Master and Mistress want you at the dining, Master Black."

 

"Alright, I'll be there, Kreacher.", Sirius replies, gnawing on his lips. 

 

\----------------------

 

"Sit, Sirius.", Walburga points at a chair. 

 

"What do you want from me, Mother?"

 

"Watch your tongue. Our Heir doesn't talk like an undignified mudblood, Sirius.", Orion snarls. 

 

"Yeah, to hell with your Heir to the Most Noble and Ancient House, Father. I don't need any of your filthy wealth. I'd rather be living on the road than being your Heir, plastering a crooked and cold smile and hold Sacred Twenty Eight Dinners, planning murders of innocent muggles and half-bloods." 

 

"Don't cross your limit.", Walburga coldly warns. 

 

Sirius opens his mouth, and closes it, seeing Regulus' pleading eyes across the table. 

 

"And why haven't you cut your hair yet?", Walburga growls. 

 

"Because I like it."

 

"No son of mine would behave like an imbecile!", Walburga shouts, "KREACHER!"

 

"Has Mistress called Kreacher?"

 

"Bring the scissors." 

 

"As Mistress wishes.", Kreacher bows down, and comes back with a pair of scissors. 

 

"You're the shame of my blood, you, filthy muggle-lover! How dare you call yourself a Black! A Gryffindor! Friends with a Potter and a half-blood!" 

 

"Don't drag my friends into this, Mother." 

 

"Filth of my blood!", Walburga waves her wand, tying Sirius to the chair, "You love your mudblood friends so much, you deserve a reward, indeed.", she leans down, and unevenly cuts his hair, "Here's your reward for being friends with mudbloods, for arguing with your parents, for being the shame of my blood."

 

Sirius bites his lips, holding the tears back, trying to remember the beautiful moments he had with the Marauders, planning a grand prank on the Slytherins, the way Remus snapped at Snape for being a douchebag and defended him, the cheers from the Gryffindor stands after their victory, the wrestling matches with James and Peter, his birthday celebration... 

  
  


"Crucio!", Walburga laughs like a maniac, pain shooting through his body, Sirius tries to shout in pain, but he can't breathe. He has to flee away from his parents. 

 

_ No… He can't. Regulus. His brother. He's a kid. He's just a kid.  _

 

Sirius musters up his Gryffindor courage, and breaths.  _ He has to live. For his brother. Better him than Reg.  _

  
  


~~~~~~~~ 

**_And it's not a cry that you hear at night_ **

**_It's not somebody who's seen the light_ **

**_It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah_ **

 

_ "NO!", Sirius cries, "Leave Remus. I beg you Mother, leave him alone." _

 

"Sirius?", Remus puts his hand on Sirius' shoulders, "Hey, wake up. It's okay." 

 

_ "No, don't touch him." _

 

"Hey Pads, it's me, Remus. Wake up." 

 

"Remus!", Sirius jolts awake, his hair falling on his sweaty forehead, "Are you okay?"

 

"I'm okay Pads. You're okay. It's our dorm. Wormy and Prongs are asleep. You're safe. They can't get you here." 

 

"They can't get me here, they can't get me here.", Sirius mumbles, repeating it like a hymn, reminding himself that Remus is alright and his parents can't get him here. 

 

"Hey!", Remus softly places his hand on the small of Sirius' back, bringing him back to the reality, "Do you want to talk about it?" 

 

"No.. ", Sirius' voice trembles as he reaches out for Remus' wrist, "Stay?" 

 

"I'm not leaving you Pads. Move aside.", Remus softly smiles. 

 

~~~~~~~~~ 

 

**_But baby I've been here before_ **

**_I've seen this room and I've walked this floor_ **

**_You know, I used to live alone before I knew ya_ **

**_And I've seen your flag on the marble arch_ **

**_And love is not a victory march_ **

**_It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah_ **

 

"How could you, Sirius? How could you?", Remus asks, feverishly wiping the tears off, "I trusted you!"

 

"Moon... "

 

"Don't.. Don't you dare call me that.", Remus snarls. 

 

"Remus..", he pleads. 

 

"Have you ever thought how your fun harms other people, Sirius? Have you ever realized what could have happened if James wasn't there to stop Snape? What if I killed them? What if I killed _you_? I would have lost everything, I would have sent to Azkaban! You never think, you never think about the consequences of your actions! _You're_ _just like the rest of your family!_ James, ask him to leave me and never show his face again. I don't want to talk to _a Black._ " 

 

Sirius runs away, shutting the infirmary door behind,  _ "You're just like the rest of your family… I don't want to talk to a Black.",  _ ringing in his ears, he runs and runs, tears blurring his vision…

 

_ You're just like the rest of your family…  _

 

A Black, that's what he is. He has ruined everything.  _ His blood didn't leave him.  _

 

\-----------------

 

It's been one month and some fifteen days since the Prank. Remus hasn't talked to him. Putting the initial rage from James and awkwardness from Peter aside, they have offered him sympathetic smiles, "Don't worry mate, it'll be okay soon. Just give him time.", James weakly smiles, patting Sirius on shoulder. 

 

It's been one month and some fifteen days since Sirius has properly slept. He comes back at the dorm after the boys fall asleep and leaves before they wake up. He puts Silencing Charms around his four-poster bed, making sure Remus doesn't wake up to his nightmares. He can't concentrate on the lectures. 

 

_ He is broken.  _

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

**_Maybe there's a God above_ **

**_But all I've ever learned from love_ **

 

Remus finds the north facing window of their dorm open, as he comes back from his Prefect duties. 

 

_ It must be Sirius, he thinks, considering it's late enough and both James and Pete are snoring.  _

 

Remus stands at the middle of their dorm, gnawing his lips, deciding whether he should check on Sirius or not. 

 

_ He misses him. And it hurts to see him like that, to see Sirius so pale, so broken.  _

 

_ But Remus is broken too. He had loved him. He felt betrayed, shattered.  _

  
  


Remus pads to the window, finding Sirius on the terrace, holding a cigarette in his trembling hands. 

 

Remus hesitates to call him and stops hearing him mumbling and crying, _ "I can't take it anymore. I was never good enough. Never good enough for him. Remus deserves someone better, someone whole, not someone so broken like me… Moons… Remus, forgive me, forgive me… you're loved… you're beautiful and I love you so much. I don't blame anyone, you know. Mother says it right. I'm a shame to everyone. Not a proper son. Not a proper friend. Look, now I have lost you."  _

 

Remus freezes at the spot.

 

"Sirius?", he softly calls him. 

 

"Remus?", Sirius turns around, with surprise in his voice. 

 

"I'm sorry Remus. It's never enough considering what I have done… ", he flicks the burnt out cigarette down, wiping the fresh tears that are threatening to fall. 

 

"Sirius, look at me."

 

"I understand if you don't want to talk to me anymore Remus. But I just want to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything.."

 

"Sirius, I have forgiven you a long ago, I wasn't just ready to talk about it.", Remus sighs. 

 

Sirius looks up from his feet, eyes glistening with tears and wide in surprise, "You have forgiven me?" 

 

"Yes, now answer me. Do you love me?" 

 

"I'll.. I'll just go."

 

"Pads, wait…", his nickname on Remus' lips, that feels home. At last. 

 

"I haven't got the answer yet. Do you love me?" 

 

"Y.. Yes.." 

 

"Idiot", Remus grabs Sirius by collar and closes the gap between them, a sudden relief washing, like the weight in his chest loosening up, he can breathe, he's alive…The oxygen in the November air feels sufficient suddenly. They are alive. Sirius' face pressed on the crook of his neck, the shoulder of his shirt wetting with his tears… Remus smiles and cries, "I'm here Sirius. I've got you. I love you." 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**_Well there was a time when you let me know_ **

**_What's really going on below_ **

**_But now you never show that to me do ya_ **

**_But remember when I moved in you_ **

**_And the holy dove was moving too_ **

**_And every breath we drew was Hallelujah_ **

  
  


Sirius paces impatiently in the living room of his and Remus' flat. It's been two days since Remus has left for a "mission" and hasn't returned yet.

 

Sirius can't breathe. With every passing moment, the restlessness inside his chest washes over his consciousness, Peter's voice hammering inside his mind,  _ "Of course, there's a spy in the Order, Sirius. Have you ever asked Remus where he goes?..." _

 

The fireplace announces someone's arrival, gripping on his wand, Sirius spins around on his heels, only to find a dishevelled Remus standing in front of him. 

 

"Hey!", Remus tries to smile. 

 

"Remus, where have you been?", Sirius' voice almost sounds accusing, or maybe pained. 

 

"What do you mean Sirius?"

 

"We're at the middle of a war, Remus. Why can't you tell me where you're vanishing?" 

 

"Sirius... "

 

"No, let me have to say. Do you know how it affects me when I hear that there's a spy in the Order, among us, and people asks where you are?" 

 

"What are you implying?", Remus coldly looks at him, a blazing fire appearing in his eyes. 

 

"I'm not implying anything Remus.. Where are you disappearing?", Sirius asks, sounding almost hurt, almost tired, looking at the distance between them, the cold winter stretching and stretching in between them, like a rubber band, and one day, it can't be stretched anymore, and tears apart.

 

"So, you think that I'm a spy for Voldemort, Sirius?" 

 

"Remus... "

 

"Very well then, I'm leaving." 

 

The door shuts with a bang, the photo of his and Remus' happy togetherness put on the mantelpiece trembles. 

 

Sirius wonders when it became so easy to leave. 

 

\--------------- 

_ "I'm leaving" _

 

_ "If something happens to me and James, Padfoot, look after Harry." _

 

_ "How did we lose everything, Pads?"  _

 

Sirius covers his ears, "NO! NO! NO!", still wishing the shrill laughter of Bellatrix and the saline gust hitting his porcelain skin are just bits and pieces of his nightmare, and Remus will wake him up at the Gryffindor dorm at the middle of the night. 

 

It's not Walburga's curse hitting him, Regulus, Dorcas, Marlene dying. 

 

It's him, Sirius Black, being so alone that his life before seems like someone else's life. 

 

Hollow. 

 

Cold. 

 

Left behind. 

 

**_And it's not a cry that you hear at night_ **

**_It's not somebody who's seen the light_ **

**_It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah_ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are love :)


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